Leaving the safe haven

“So don’t be frightened, dear friend, if a sadness confronts you larger than any you have ever known, casting its shadow over all you do. You must think that something is happening within you, and remember that life has not forgotten you; it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why would you want to exclude from your life any uneasiness, any pain, any depression, since you don’t know what work they are accomplishing within you?”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Death in a graveyard

For every life I lost here
between the silent graves
for every little part of me
some evil pervert craves
for every cry and tortured scream
that cut like sharpened blades
for fear felt for a lifetime
that never ever fades
for all the years you’ve taken
apologies left unspoken
I want yours in return
I want to see you
twisted and broken
and left in hell to burn
only then, when you are gone
when no trace of you remains
may I float into a peaceful sleep
amid the downy feathered seeds
under weeping sweeping rains.

Night walking

Black fog drifts gently around me
as I walk the endless night
My feet plod a steady rhythm
on the smooth black tarmac
the only sound to break the stillness.
As long as I keep walking
I feel nothing,
no fear, no pain,
the monotonous march
soothes me
like sleepwalking.
There is nothing to see,
nothing to hear
in this featureless void,
nothing to trigger my senses
into panicked flight.
I stare, unblinking,
at my clockwork feet,
the road a dark river
flowing ceaselessly beneath
their perpetual motion
and I keep walking.

Reading

I sit alone on the sofa
a book open on my lap
my passport to somewhere else
I don’t know where my reality lies
Is it in the bright spring sunshine
outside my window
or is it among the shadows
that fill my mind?
The shadows blot out the sun
like the shadows
of gathering storm clouds
thunder rumbles across an empty plain
where I stumble and crawl
Is it less real
because it is in my mind?
Who can say
which is right
and which is wrong
and so I escape into
someone else’s words
someone else’s
imagined reality.

To my lost brother

You rage at me one minute
and shower me with love the next.
You blame me
for all your pain
I was just a child,
I was never meant to be your mother.
I tried to protect you
and now you rage at me.
I was just a child
none of this is my fault,
nor was it ever.
It is time for you to let go,
to detach from me
and find your own reality.
I have had to walk away
to protect myself,
I cannot take any more
of your abuse
and rage,
your fantasies
and lies.
I am afraid of you.
It should be easy
but I think of you
alone and pushed away,
and I know you are hurting.
I am hurting too
but you are incapable
of seeing anyone
outside of yourself.
I grieve for you, my lost brother, I don’t think
we will ever meet again.
I am so sorry
that this has to be so.
With love and pain and sadness.