All the little teardrops….

Hidden in the hedgerow
untouched by sun or rain
all the little teardrops
tiny pearls of pain
like the dying of a butterfly
soft petals quietly fall
they lay upon the rain soaked ground
so still and small

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Night walking

Black fog drifts gently around me
as I walk the endless night
My feet plod a steady rhythm
on the smooth black tarmac
the only sound to break the stillness.
As long as I keep walking
I feel nothing,
no fear, no pain,
the monotonous march
soothes me
like sleepwalking.
There is nothing to see,
nothing to hear
in this featureless void,
nothing to trigger my senses
into panicked flight.
I stare, unblinking,
at my clockwork feet,
the road a dark river
flowing ceaselessly beneath
their perpetual motion
and I keep walking.


To my lost brother

You rage at me one minute
and shower me with love the next.
You blame me
for all your pain
I was just a child,
I was never meant to be your mother.
I tried to protect you
and now you rage at me.
I was just a child
none of this is my fault,
nor was it ever.
It is time for you to let go,
to detach from me
and find your own reality.
I have had to walk away
to protect myself,
I cannot take any more
of your abuse
and rage,
your fantasies
and lies.
I am afraid of you.
It should be easy
but I think of you
alone and pushed away,
and I know you are hurting.
I am hurting too
but you are incapable
of seeing anyone
outside of yourself.
I grieve for you, my lost brother, I don’t think
we will ever meet again.
I am so sorry
that this has to be so.
With love and pain and sadness.


The softest of sighs

Just a breath

just a whisper

the softest of sighs

fading blossom

petals of silk

touching age old longings

paper kisses

the pain of parting

the comfort of remembering

not lost

just a pause




I thought she was drowned
the girl at the bottom of the sea
I thought she had died
and all the memories with her
but as I stand
staring to the horizon
my feet sinking
into soft sand
I see a bubble rise
it pops on the surface
and all my childhood terror
swells on the wave
and breaks over me


The fall

Heel to toe, heel to toe
arms outstretched
carefully treading
the edge of the precipice
To one side, normality,
lies and false smiles
and hiding
To the other, the fall
into total darkness
I should be afraid
but instead
I long for the fall,
the need is so strong
Insanity waits for me
at the bottom of the abyss
What is madness
but a letting go
of all the pretences,
a laying bare the pain
for all to see
I am so tired
of defending myself
from those who only glimpse
and want to erase
my dis-ease
with pills and platitudes.
They tell themselves
they help people
but they cannot look
at the mirror of
anyone else’s pain
in case it reflects their own.
My truth is pain and fear
screams and bad dreams,
shame and hate.
Look at me if you will
and see that I am
just like you.
Come fall with me
and embrace my madness.
In the world of the sane
I am alone.