Death in a graveyard

For every life I lost here
between the silent graves
for every little part of me
some evil pervert craves
for every cry and tortured scream
that cut like sharpened blades
for fear felt for a lifetime
that never ever fades
for all the years you’ve taken
apologies left unspoken
I want yours in return
I want to see you
twisted and broken
and left in hell to burn
only then, when you are gone
when no trace of you remains
may I float into a peaceful sleep
amid the downy feathered seeds
under weeping sweeping rains.

The fall

Heel to toe, heel to toe
arms outstretched
carefully treading
the edge of the precipice
To one side, normality,
lies and false smiles
and hiding
To the other, the fall
into total darkness
I should be afraid
but instead
I long for the fall,
the need is so strong
Insanity waits for me
at the bottom of the abyss
What is madness
but a letting go
of all the pretences,
a laying bare the pain
for all to see
I am so tired
of defending myself
from those who only glimpse
and want to erase
my dis-ease
with pills and platitudes.
They tell themselves
they help people
but they cannot look
at the mirror of
anyone else’s pain
in case it reflects their own.
My truth is pain and fear
screams and bad dreams,
shame and hate.
Look at me if you will
and see that I am
just like you.
Come fall with me
and embrace my madness.
In the world of the sane
I am alone.

Winter storm

winter-storm

The wind whips around me

in ceaseless motion

dizzying, never still,

rising with the storm

to an agonised howl

My tangled thoughts whirl

and in my eyes my tears

have turned to ice,

hard as stone

I long for peace

I long for this tormented night to end

I breathe through the pain

into a place of stillness

deep in my soul

I close my eyes,

slow my breath,

and cling to the hope

that spring will come again.

 

The fallen

the-fallen

It was in the evening of your life

when your body gave way

and you sank to the floor.

Even though I wasn’t there

I have never stopped seeing you fall

over and over again.

You had been falling for years.

As the memories came

so the questions flew at you

like arrows,

each one piercing your armour,

allowing fear in through the holes,

fear that you might get found out.

I tried to fool myself into believing

it was guilt that was crippling you

but now the final pieces

have slotted together

and I know better

than to think good of you.

Even as you sat me on your lap

and sang to me,

making me believe I was special and loved,

you were giving me away

to the highest bidder

It was my money

that bought your house.

I paid for that house with my sanity

but you died

and left me with nothing

but the hatred in my heart.

You are gone now

You will never take back the blame

that was rightfully yours

and you will never know

my forgiveness.

 

Five

What do you do
when you are five years old
and your mother
shuts you away
because she can’t bear to look at you?
In your short life
she has given
no love or cuddles,
only bewildering rage and anger
no matter how hard you try to be good
it is never good enough.
Your body is small,
next to you she is very big
and when her face is in your face
shouting at you
and her hands are on your shoulders
shaking you
you fear you might die.
She shouts
I’ll shake the living daylights out of you.
Maybe one day she did
and you are no longer a real person,
only a shadow in the dark.
How do you know
if you are still alive?

Dear Uncle

Before you die
I want you to know
that I remember what you did to me
all of it.
The little child you
used up and threw away
soiled and damaged
of no further interest,
and the unhappy teen
that you ridiculed
I understand now that you did that
to try to discredit me
you were afraid of me
afraid that I would tell
afraid that my wildness
meant that you had lost control
you moved your family
far away
you ran
and now I know
I am the one
with all the power
I could take your precious reputation
as the golden boy, everybody’s favourite
and crunch it to dust
under my feet.
I could turn you into an outsider
cast out by your own family
they would turn from you
in disgust
When you die
I will visit your grave
and leave an epitaph
of my own there
and you can spend
all the ages of time
rotting beneath it.

Anger

Finally, in you,

I have found all of my anger

from a lifetime of abuse

and intimidation,

you have given it a face and a name.

I have nurtured the spark carefully

and fanned the flame.

I have protected it from

the cold winds of my fear

and the quiet rain of my tears

and so it grew strong.

The more you try to oppress me

the stronger you make me,

You are teaching me

and I am a willing pupil.

I learn from every raging storm

you hurl at me.

I am not afraid of you

and I will fight you

till you run from me knowing

how small and helpless

you really are behind

the bully’s mask.

Never again

will I let anyone treat me

with anything less than dignity

and respect.